


PSAed by Spiderman

by Katonica



Category: Captain America Civil War, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Civil War Team Captain America, Civil War Team Iron Man, Explicit Language, Gen, Homecoming, Marvel Universe, PSA, Pre-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Superfamily (Marvel), spiderman - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-02 01:16:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14533503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katonica/pseuds/Katonica
Summary: It's the final confrontation between the two teams, for and against the Sokovia Accords. Unfortunately, Peter Parker has memorized every PSA that his school had shown him. Really well.It doesn't really help that he's fighting the Captain.





	PSAed by Spiderman

**Author's Note:**

> A quick note before we go on, I was bored and reading fanfics to the point where I decided, screw it, let's write a short story about those Captain America PSAs. I had too much fun with this and there's profanity, a lot of it.
> 
> So kiddies, shield your eyes and shoo.
> 
> Betaed by f-mewithachainsaw

Peter silently squealed as he stared at the man, the myth, the legend himself: Captain America. "Holy _shit_ ." He muttered under his breath, unable to believe that he's watching _the_ Accord Supporter Iron Man and _the_ War Criminal Captain America confront each other.

 

He pinched himself through the suit, believing that somewhere in his mind he was just dreaming, and he'd wake up on his bunk bed in his pajamas. But no, pinching himself actually hurt a bit and he watched as they started to argue.

 

Steve Rogers was being cut off every five seconds by Mr. Stark. It was honestly like watching two uncles argue over who was the cooler one (not that he would know). He bounced in excitement, talking to the camera as he watched the two teams appear.

 

"Okay, there's Captain America, Iron Man, Black Widow," he watched as the black cat figure seem to tense at something Captain said. "Woah... Who's that new guy?"

 

He couldn't say anything else because Tony cupped his hands together and yelled out the nickname Peter had begrudgingly accepted, "Underoos!"

 

"Oh, that's me! I gotta go, gotta go." He exclaimed, still slightly star-struck and very jittery, the adrenaline rushing through his body as he placed his phone down ( _very_ carefully, might he add), leaped into the air from behind Captain, shot a stream of webs at the _vibranium shield that he's only seen in videos, oh my god,_ and tied up the blond's hands.

 

He held the shield like Captain America often did, doing a front flip before striking a superhero pose as he landed.

 

Then Tony Stark had _complimented_ him. He grinned from behind his mask as Captain America looked at him with a curious bewilderment in his eyes.

 

"Thanks, well, I could have stuck the landing a little better," he rambled, shaking as he slowly realized that he was _holding Captain America's fucking shield, holy shit-_

 

He hadn't realized he had been rambling until Mr. Stark had to stop him again. He turned to look at the Captain, his right arm still holding onto the shield as he did the first thing he thought of when talking to Steve _fucking_ Rogers, which was to salute to the Patriotic American God himself. "Captain," he pointed to himself, "Big fan, Spiderman-"

 

"Yeah, we'll talk about that later. Just-" Peter's face flushed, and he greeted the group of disorderly heroes again, thanking whatever God existed (there were too many to keep track of) that he wore a mask to hide his embarrassment.

 

"Good job." Peter's chest puffed up a bit, happy that Iron Man had complimented him again.

 

Black Widow raised her eyebrows at the young voice from the lean build of Spider-Man, another arachnid. She wonders how he obtained his powers _and_ was somehow recruited by Iron Man in the short amount of time Ross had given them.

 

It wasn't like the billionaire to suddenly pull a new hero into the fight, especially after the Accords had just been signed. That brought another question to the table: Did Spiderman even _sign_ the papers?

 

"You've been busy," Captain America stated, his eyes focusing on the awkward bumbling hero. The attention then _again_ turned back to the war criminal, his hands still tied up by _Peter's own formula, and he hadn't broken out of them yet, how was that possible?_

 

Tony started to scold Steve Rogers again by quite rudely saying, "You've been a complete idiot," even spitting it in the Captain's face as the super soldier flinched slightly. Peter’s mask moved along with eyes, the whites of the mask narrowing to slits as he noticed the minimal amount of movement from the criminal.

 

The billionaire continued to scold the hero for his antics of how he recruited different people. And as Tony's monologue continued on—to be honest, the teenager was kind of tuning it out in favor of admiring the number of heroes around—, Peter could see him snap before flinching back to reality.

 

"Did that when you signed." And there went Peter's star-struck feeling from meeting Captain America, _no one_ gets to be a dick to Tony Stark, who was trying his dammed best to keep his friends together.

 

Steve watched Tony's face fall as the last centimeter of hope he faded away, and the man snapped completely. "Alright, we're done." He looked away before facing the blue-eyed man again. "You're going to turn Barnes over and you're going to come with us because it's _us_."

 

Peter watched Natasha look up suddenly,  faint surprise etched over her face before it disappeared again. He had tuned out the rest of what Tony said, his body tingling all over as he watched the Captain… Peter went slightly rigid.

 

The Patriotic God of Freedom himself was _stalling_. Peter heard a voice from Captain America's comm: "We found it." Before he could warn Mr. Stark or any of the heroes on his side, he watched an arrow fly through his webbing that held the Captain and heard the pitter-patter of someone's feet on the shield-

 

That wasn't possible-

 

He was kicked in the face. Hard. The metal soles of some other hero's shoes hit his mask, giving him a bloody nose that luckily wouldn’t show through the mask, though cleaning the blood out from the inside would be a pain later on tonight.

 

_Ouch._

 

* * *

 

 

Peter finally engaged with _the Captain America_ after fighting the two running men inside a building, the growing and shrinking man, and dodging arrows that seemed to come from literally nowhere.

 

He was excited to fight someone who had similar power and strength. The first thing he did was steal the shield again, having watched the Captain become slightly weakened without his trusty weapon time and time again.

 

"Woah, Captain!" He yelled, ducking as the man summoned the shield back (with _Stark!_ Tech, he angrily remembered) and catch it. He swore the Captain was attempting to slice his head off with the speeding piece of metal.

 

Maybe he was exaggerating, but maybe not.

 

He wasn't sure.

 

"You're not aiming to kill, are you?" His defense was always playful banter, which he had hoped would make the man shocked, stunned, maybe even caught off-guard. It had worked with the smaller thugs in his city, hopefully, it would work with an ex-Avenger...?

 

The blue eyes swirled with, determination, torment, anger, and perhaps most terrifyingly, a certainty that burned brighter than the sun.

 

At that moment, Peter decided it was best not to play around with the man whose eyes seemed to say that _'Yes, I will take your head off for my best friend that I thought was dead for 70 years_.'

 

He jumped around, dodging the shield and snatching it from its flight path as often as possible. The tiny hairs on the back of his neck rose, warning him of the incoming danger, and he leaped away from an explosion that occurred just behind him, where the growing-shrinking man had tossed a frigging _gas tank_ at him.

 

Maybe it was the crazy amount of nerves and adrenaline that was powering his body, but he started to mumble the PSA’s he had heard over the two years of being at his school.

 

The man was just _standing_ right there in front of him, in the same costume and it just—and maybe this was just Peter—but it just seemed like the man would start talking about the dangers of illegal fireworks in a second.

 

"Hi, I'm Spider-Man, I love celebrating this great nation on the Fourth of July, but trust me, there's nothing patriotic about illegal fireworks." Talking calmed him down, it stopped his hands from shaking too much, from hyperventilating and forcing himself into shock. He swallowed a dry breath. (And, okay, maybe he _did_ deepen his voice and change his tone to sound more like the Captain. It wasn’t hurting anyone.)

 

The explosion had burned his back a bit, which made it sting even more when he swung around—the wind felt like a blade cutting through the growing amount of injuries on his body. He hissed in slight agony as he fell from his swing, the web having been cut by Captain America's shield _yet again_.

 

Steve had heard the boy mumbling under his breath about something and he _swore_ that it was familiar. The comm installed in Peter's suit came to life, "Spider-Man, what was that about _patriotic_?" Tony had heard the boy talk but had been too distracted by Clint trying to take out his arc reactor to listen closely.

 

Peter yelled in surprise as two cars flew towards him, one with a red aura around it and the other from the growing and shrinking man that had tried to destroy Mr. Stark’s suit. (Peter really wished Mr. Stark had told him a _little bit_ more about who he was fighting because ‘growing-shrinking man’ wasn’t really making the guy sound cool)

 

Peter ignored his idol, continuing to attack the Captain and recite PSAs. He saw Grow-Shrink Man (That’s a shorter name, he thought proudly) screech as the fire from the explosion burned his arm.

 

He called out a quick comment to distract the man from putting out the fire as Iron Man and War Machine managed to get a few good hits on him, "So just remember, if you're on fire, _stop, drop, and roll._ Say it with me!" Peter's throat was definitely screwed after this.

 

Ant-Man halted at this remark, staring at the swinging red and blue character, _swearing_ to God—Thor? Loki? Whatever God was listening, anyway—that he had heard the Spider ask him to recite a phrase that hadn't been told to him in years.

 

"Stop, drop, and roll?" It wasn't an obligation, but it just didn't seem right to not say the phrase, especially as Spiderman got hit in the side with Cap's shield. " _Oof_ , he's gonna be bruised from that." He then turned back to the action, where he decided it'd be time to screw around with the War Machine suit again as he clicked the button on his hand, shrinking to the size of an ant.

 

Seeing that the two machines didn't need any more assistance, Peter turned his attention back to Captain America, kicking the man in the stomach and immediately regretting it as he felt the pain travel up from his toes to his spine.

 

He yelled in surprise, the shock of kicking such a strong abdomen reminding him that he was just a kid, and these were all _grown_ , _experienced_ superheroes. "Damn, maybe I should do the Captain America fitness challenge more."

 

Steve furrowed his eyebrows, hearing something about a fitness challenge. Why would a vigilante talk about fitness challenges?

 

"Spider- Did you just say Captain America fitness challenge?" Tony asked, slightly surprised and a _bit_ mortified when his brain processed what he had just repeated. "God, Rhodes. Never let me say that again." Peter continued to ignore his mentor’s comments, focusing everything on the PSA’s and the man who had recorded them.

 

Then Captain landed a good hit on Peter by throwing a chunk of concrete that had broken during their fight at him. Lucky for Peter, his spider-sense screamed _'punch now punch now!'_ and he was able to break the brick before he was attacked by it.

 

"You're sharp," noted Steve as the super-soldier rolled his shoulders, trying not to feel uncomfortable that there was another hero with a similar strength to him.

 

Peter didn't think about the compliment the Captain had given him, only thinking about the nutrition PSA that the commentary had reminded him so much of.

 

He was panicking now with the realization that No, this man was not the same as the petty criminals he was used to fighting _with_ ; the super soldier took that to his advantage and attacked, slugging the vigilante in the stomach and causing Peter to let out a choked cry of pain as he keeled over.

 

"Whether you're a student or a soldier,” he wheezed, “There's only one thing that'll give you an edge." He paused, shooting a web at a creepy red-clad woman playing with some red aura in her hands. "Eat a hot lunch!" Peter yelled at her, grinning at her shock while he webbed her hands together, effectively stopping her attack.

 

 _Right, back to Captain America._ "Another soldier?" Scarlet Witch asked under her breath, nodding her thanks as the Ant-Man (A name he thought would be good for the Grow-Shrink guy) freed her hands from the webby, gooey mess.

 

Peter shouldn't have been able to hear the question, but having your senses dialed to 11 often did things to your hearing. "I'm just strong bones and muscles, no serum needed!" He trilled brightly, paraphrasing what the video had said. "My well-balanced diet is what keeps my body healthy- Oof!" His webs were sliced by another mysterious arrow, causing him to fall a few feet from where he had been in the air before.

 

Steve was even more sure the spider was speaking again about something he had heard before _somewhere_. It was starting to freak him out.

 

"The food pyramid will help you find the balance," Peter muttered as his ears rang, his eyes squinting as he tried to focus on the super soldier again. He snatched the shield away from Captain, grinning as he flung it towards the witch again and distracted her. "So _that's_ how you use it." He quickly calculated the trajectory to which it would hit multiple targets, flung it and swung away before he was hit by the metal disc again.

 

The Captain's eyes had widened from behind his mask, surprised at the spider's quick use and learning of his precious shield. "Don't you know the most important weapon in any soldier's arsenal?" Steve knew those words, where the _hell_ did they _come_ from? "It's math! As a soldier and as an Avenger--"

 

From the other side of the airport, Tony snorted. "Did he just say 'as a soldier and as an _Avenger'_?"

 

"--you've seen some pretty exciting things. But you know what else is exciting? _Reading_." It was so random it finally caught Steve off guard, allowing him to be punched in the face as the spider swung by, grabbing his shield.

 

_"Yoink!"_

 

"Stop taking my shield, spider!" He was frustrated with the way the Spider-Man kept toying with him, like a spider before a- _Oh._ Maybe he should have thought that a little more clearly. Either way, the vigilante was saying things that were really familiar and making Steve more irritated than he usually got, which was impressive considering they were actively trying to beat the crap out of each other.

 

"Hi, I'm Spider-Man, and I'm here to talk to you about any soldier or student's most important trait, patience." _Where the fuck did those lines come from, and why were they so familiar?_ Peter remembered this from when he got in trouble for doing all the homework ahead of time and being called a cheater.

 

"Sometimes patience is the key to victory-" The arachnid tied Steve’s legs together, causing him to trip. "-sometimes it leads to very little. Seems like it's not worth it." Steve fell flat onto the ground, smashing his face into the concrete. He quickly got up, the fall not impacting a bit of his face.

 

He struggled to remove the webbing from his limbs.

 

Peter grinned under the mask; he had managed to trap Captain America, and now he was up again, but not for long- _Yes!_ He thought as he swung around again and kicked his legs against the man's tough abdomen, causing Steve to fall back, flailing.

 

Steve felt an arrow go between his legs, ripping the webbing apart again. He stood up, catching his shield just before it cut his head off, having been thrown by the spider towards him a few seconds ago.

 

"You're doing the wrong thing, kid!" Steve had heard Tony call the Spider-Man a kid, so he thought he'd call him that too. Peter, however, was sent down memory lane to all the times he had detention, not even paying attention to the fact that Captain America had said 'kid'.

 

"You screwed up. You know what you did was wrong, the question is how are you going to make things right?" The lines fit perfectly with what Iron Man had been trying to tell Captain America earlier. Steve frowned as he threw the shield at the spider again, only to have it taken from its flight path and his _body_ wrapped up in webs.

 

 _Why was it so familiar, and how many webs can this person produce?_ "Maybe you were trying to be cool. The only way to really be cool is to follow the rules." Peter paused, landing on the ground next to the tied up Captain.

 

"Maybe the Captain wouldn't be like this if he had listened to his own messages, they really help." Captain America, saviour of the 107th, saviour of Earth 65 years ago, ex-leader of the Avengers stopped struggling against the webs that held his body together. His face turned to look at the person, who had his hands on his waist, legs spread out next to him. It was like he was fighting a child who didn't know how to act after defeating an enemy.

 

He stared at the masked character. "Are you quoting my old PSA recordings... During a fight?" Spider-Man jumped high in the air, unnatural for any human being but normal for a 15-year-old bitten by a radioactive spider. He hadn't realized that Captain America had been listening to him ramble during the fights.

 

"Would you stop attacking me if I said yes?"

 

* * *

 

 

Tony was tired of being ignored. "Rhodes, keep him busy." With a confirmation from his best friend, he flew over to where he had last seen his ex-friend and protegee. He switched to private communication between him and the young boy. "Peter, why have you been saying random sentences for the past-" He stopped short as he listened to the boy giggle at Captain America's expression on his face.

 

There were two things wrong with this.

 

First, Captain America had been tied up by the kid's _webbing._ A high school child's sloppy chemistry invention had defeated every creation that the famous Tony Stark had created to hold back Captain America.

 

Second, Peter Parker was giggling at the unbelieving expression on the super-soldier's face. He wasn't sure why Steve was so perplexed, but it must have had to do something with the words that Peter had been saying ever since he had started fighting with Steve.

 

He flew closer, investigating the scene. "You had way too much time on your hands to record all of those. I can recite all of them by memory," Peter boasted as he examined the Captain, all tied up. Tony wondered where Clint was, but then remembered he had shot a beam at the man in desperation to make sure his reactor wasn't pierced.

 

Maybe he had finally hit his mark.

 

"I recorded them _four_ years ago. There's no way you would have known about them unless…” Steve hesitated, “You were still in school."

 

Tony watched Peter choke back a surprised cough and managed to turn it into a laugh. "Youtube, man. C'mon, you should this already."

 

Tony scoffed, knowing that during his escapade that the Captain would not have even _tried_ to access the Internet. The Captain's bonds broke free with the help of a _certain_ witch who paid as much attention as she could to the leader of her group while fighting.

 

Spider-Man continued to go on a tangent, now talking about, "So, your body’s changing. Believe me, I know a thing or two about that," causing Steve's eyes to widen in horror and start wriggling around in the web cocoon he was in while valiantly trying as he tried to stop Peter from speaking.

 

"If you're watching this, your parents have elected for you _not_ to be present in health class for a discussion of: human reproduction."

 

"Jesus, how old are you to know all this?" He felt Spider-Man go rigid at the mention of his age, causing the vigilante to clear his throat and deepen his voice, "I have a photographic memory..." Peter hesitated, looking for another excuse, "and it's all over the internet." Then the boy flipped away, heading over to help War Machine fight the Ant-Man.

 

Captain looked at Tony, who's mask currently covered the stunned and, quite frankly, _terrified_ look on his face. "Picked him off the street, hm?"

 

 _Well,_ **_fuck._ **  


 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> She squares her shoulder, her history full of PSAs and scenes from previous movies that brought joy into her heart that Infinity War had crushed. 
> 
> I'm not spoiling shit to Y'all poor people, and everyone who's writing all those INFINITY WAR SPOILER SCENES ARE DICKS WTF WAIT AT LEAST A MONTH BEFORE YOU START THAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed, avoid spoilers, and I have so many ideas dear god save me


End file.
